What I REALLY Think! » Funny of the Day

Look whos backing Obama

Mike — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 15:02:33 +0000

I the picture below I think it is ironic that the article is about groups that are foes to Isreal are backing Obama and the banner ad at the top of the page is about how Obama is a friend of Isreal.

The full article can be found at: http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1225199589258&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull

WHY MEN ARE (JUSTIFIABLY) PROUD OF THEMSELVES

Mike — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 12:00:39 +0000

1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don’t have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food.
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don’t have to clean the house just because the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
18. Same work – more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a “strap problem” in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years – maybe decades
27. We don’t have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes

A Letter Home

Mike — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:00:10 +0000

Dear Parent(s),

Date: ______________

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

Please send:
__ Money (Cash)! Amount: _______
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: _____
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:
__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:
__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Is afraid of the dark
__ Has fleas

My Professors are:
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves

Latest News:
__ I wrecked the car
__ I can’t use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit

Food:
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Health:
__ I have gained _____ pounds
__ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
__ I died yesterday!

Grades:
__ I am making all A’s
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester

I study:
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:
__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can’t read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at church

On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other ______________________
[Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)]

Laundry:
__ My white underwear is now ______________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:
__ Can pass your “white glove” test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Hope you:
__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,

________________________________
Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark (“X”).

The Evolution of Man

Mike — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 12:00:08 +0000

The Evolution of Man

God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you’ll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY! The donkey answered: I’ll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.

God created the dog and told him: You will look after the men and house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!
The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.

God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years. The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed.

Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years. The man answered: God, I’ll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don’t you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused.

That was what God did, and since then, Man live 20 years like a man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from child to child, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Mike — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 12:00:47 +0000

Don’t let worry kill you… let the church help.
Thursday Night – Potluck Supper, Prayer & Medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it. We have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. & Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North Ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00pm there will be an Ice Cream Social. All Ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, The ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, “Put me in my Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor
Thursday at 5:00pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, Please see the minister in his study.

Bill of No Rights

Mike — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 12:00:40 +0000

Democracy Like it should be!

Bill of No Rights

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness — which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Baby Got Book

Mike — Mon, 05 May 2008 10:38:52 +0000

A Great parody on “Baby Got Back”.

HOW TO WRITE A TERM PAPER

Mike — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 16:58:00 +0000

Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now, that ways you can concentrate.
Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it, I really mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that ~~
Listen to the other side.
Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
Check the TV Guide to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV (like Monday Night Football). NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
1. Pro Bowler’s Tour
2. Any movie starring Don Ameche.
Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot, even if he wasn’t watching.
Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
Lie face down on the floor and moan.
Leap up and write the paper.
Type the paper in your computer. Spell check.
Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that stupid term paper.

Jim Carrey doing David Caruso on David Letterman

Mike — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 14:43:00 +0000

I love CSI and I am a big Jim Carrey fan. So when I found this I had to post it.

Up in Smoke!

Mike — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 16:39:00 +0000

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this … fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued and won!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man 15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.” After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!