Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” A neutron goes into a bar and asks the...

The Dentist’s Hymn “Crown Him with Many Crowns” The TV Weatherman’s Hymn “There Shall be Showers of Blessing” The Contractor’s Hymn “The Church’s one Foundation” The Tailor’s Hymn “Holy, Holy, Holy” The Golfer’s Hymn “There is a Green Hill Far Away” The Politician’s Hymn “Standing on the Promises” The Optometrist’s Hymn “Open Mine Eyes that I Might See” The IRS Hymn “All to Thee” The Gossip’s Hymn “Pass it On” The Electrician’s Hymn “Send the Light” The Shopper’s Hymn “Sweet by and by”

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.” The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!” The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.”...

Bubba and Cooter decided to build a Bungee jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if they could make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets. Bubba said to Cooter, “Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea.” After Cooter was strapped on, he jumped and fell, barely missing the ground before springing back. As he came back up Bubba noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Cooter went down again and this time when he came back up Bubba noticed that...

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially...